Surfari: Cheat Ohs
By Rogi Riverstone
(August 13, 2000)
You probably think by now that I sound like a PBS documentary. And it's true: I love PBS. I've lived in places where people's idea of "conversation" was discussing sales at the local discount stores or the latest, drunken brawl. PBS has kept me from dying of boredom. Bless you, Big Bird.
Why, did he sneeze?
I have a decadent side, too (do I hear people from Sunday Chat giggling?). One of my great temptations in life is Junk Food. I could happily subsist on a diet of nuggets, malts, Oreos®, those cheap wafer-cookies with lard-cream inside and nacho chips. I'd probably die a bit younger, but I'd die satisfied.
The problem is that Junk Food (notice how it's in caps, like the name of a divinity? - pun intended) ain't cheap. No problem; I make my own. True, I don't get the thrill of watching a greasy-faced kid dish up my order with bare hands. I don't get the intoxicating aroma of exhaust fumes from the car in front of me at the drive-thru. But, for the price of one Mc Something, I get a big pan full of Almost Mc Something Else.
Unidentified
Feeding
Orifice
I was searching under "Cheetos Recipes" today. I had to share what an odd assortment of not-Cheetos-Recipes I found. I never found a recipe to make Cheetos®, by the way. Get ready; this is gonna be weird.
Cheetos® Boards
*"It's 4am and I'm out of Cheetos and Canada Dry"
*From The Recovery From Mormonism Message board: "7 can casserole: ...1 can tomato soup, 1 can mushroom soup, 1 can pork and beans, 1 can chili, 1 can corn, last 2 cans I can't remember, so I go for 'free choice', personally I think a can of tuna and a can of pineapple would round it out well, but there are those who prefer sauerkraut and mandarin oranges. Ask Sis Hefenweiser. Top with canned french fried onion rings (Hey!! maybe that's the missing canned ingredient, I think it is!) or potato chips or cheetos, I would choose the cheetos, of course, for the color."
*Advice BT and CT in CT will be in this dusty ol' cowtown for the weekend for a wedding. While we will not be able to ride together because of their family commitments, they will be stopping at the moneyman homestead Friday night to share a few stories and some drinks. The problem is I am not sure what this lovely couple likes for entertainment and refreshments. I had thought that a rousing game of Parcheesi coupled with muscatel and cheetos would be good.
Any suggestions from y'all?
moneyman (they really will be here. This is not a joke) [wait'll you read the replies]
*Cheetos??
Cheetos® Love
*Food [sic] At Luther "BRANDY; I usually get dominoes pizza and to wash it down I get Ruby Red Squirt.
JEFFERY: Dominoes pizza , root beer and hot cheetoes
SHAWN: Dominoes Pizza, Root beer, Chili cheese fritos
MAX; Dominoes pizza, coke, fruit roll up and hot cheetos
CHRISTINA : Dominoes pizza, sprite, Hot cheetos
JEANNIE: 2 bags of hot cheetos, and a cherry coke
MARYANN: Taco bell burrito, minute maid orange soda , and Doritoes"
*'Is there anything I can bring you from the States?' I asked. 'Yeah, bring me some of those Cheetos. A friend of mine had some Cheetos once and I've dreamt of them ever since.' The night before I left, I ran to the grocery store and grabbed the Family size red bag of Cheetos. (My roommate, the Cheetos connoisseur, instructed I get the 'Red Bag', not the 'Puffs.') Going through customs in New Zealand the customs agent asked if I had any food with me, 'I have some Oreo Cookies, some Graham Crackers and some Cheetos.' He looked at me with a big question mark on his face and as serious as a judge he said, 'What's a Cheeto, ma'am?'
'A Cheeto? It's a delicious, cheesy, crunchy, snack.' I sounded like a paid advertisement.
The agent pulled the red family pack of Cheetos out of my luggage, examined it up and down, squeezed it, shook it a little, and stuffed it back in. 'You're good to clear, ma'am.'" - Polly's Journal, Nov. 4, '99, [This is a great read!!]
*"KARRIE - I've known Karrie since freshman year too. She's cool. We met in an Astronomy class which Adam was in too. They got me frosty mugs for Christmas this year, which they have been taunting me with since the beginning of the semester. Thanks guys. I don't know if Karrie has forgiven me for the Cheetos incident yet. Karrie and Adam found the world's largest cheetos, and I ate it before they could document it. It was a damn good cheetos by the way." My Friends - Jake
Cheetos® Zen
*Never Cheet and drive.
*I don't think this astronomer ever read a "Surfari". "Internet = Cheetos?" Hit the link at the bottom for other profound thoughts.
*I put this here because, frankly, I don't have a clue what it means. It could quite possibly be the answer to Life, so I won't begrudge you. "Do We Need Cheetos?"
Cheetos® Angst
*Cheeto Free Page These people seem to be doing some kind of work, somewhere, in a chateau. Check out their chateau haiku page. I'm lost. The big, fuzzy mouth eating Cheetos® above is theirs. Good dental plan, otherwise this pic could have been pretty ugly.
*Biofoam, edible packing material, goes stale.
*"When Cindy Farabaugh went to her car in a Yosemite parking lot Wednesday morning, she discovered an ugly scene. Two vans parked on either side of her Cadillac Seville had been broken into. The rear windows had been smashed and clothes, crackers, and Cheetos were strewn on the ground. Telltale prints left no doubt about who the vandals were..."Harriet Chiang, San Francisco Chronicle, May 22, '98
Tax Cheetos®
*IRS Chief Testifies On Collections
"Exempting entire categories of goods and services inevitably leads to either: 1) needlessly benefiting the rich; or 2) an administrative nightmare of definitions. Would we tax mink coats, but not t-shirts? Prescription medication, but not TUMS? For example, take the suggestion to exempt food. One of two unacceptable outcomes would result: 1) The caviar and roast beef purchased by a rich family to throw a party would be tax free; or 2) Very messy definitional issues would arise over what food should be taxable. States have long struggled to define what is and is not a "snack food," which generally is not taxable (i.e. Cheetos are taxable but Fritos are not. Chocolate covered marshmellows have nutritional value, so they would be taxed but white marshmellows are not). If we feel we must address the distributional effects of the sales tax in the tax code itself, it is much better to provide a targeted rebate depending on family size. You wouldn't want the rebate be based on INCOME would you?" - your tax dollars at work.
Cheetos® And Dragons
*Something about Game Masters and fear.
Cheetos® Hygiene
*No-Nos for teeth.
*Erin's Food Diary at drcoop.com.
Cheetos® Pets
*A chinchilla named "Cheeto"
*You're not gonna believe this: Chinchilla, eating Cheetos®
*Cat Lovers' Dreambook "Name: Emele (Emily)M. E-mail address:n/aHomepage Title:n/a Homepage URL:n/a What types of pets and how many do you have?: 1 cat What are their names?: His name is Cheetos How did you find us?:just surfing Comments: I call Cheetos, Chee. He is an orange tiger and is 14 pounds. He was looking at all the other kitties with me and he really liked Boomer, Cyde and Tyrone. I have a wonderful website."
Cheetos® Champs
*Something about golf and "skins" (don't say "skin" to the link above). Rules for entering a 1999 event. The company provided Cheetos®, soft drinks and water. Participants were warned to bring their own chairs. More like cheapos, if you ask me. - This page seems to have disappeared as I wrote the article, but I had to leave it in...
*Pokeman contest entry form. Grand Prize could be a lifetime supply. Good luck, either way.
*The Iowa Heartland Fall Fling Flyball Tournament Results, Oct. 10-11, '98 Hit Squad Cheetos place fourth in Division lll & lV. Go, Cheetos!
Cheetos® Literature
*"Cheeto Man", from the collection, "Star Kid A Gram: Retold and Never Before Told Fairy Tales" ~~By The Elementary Students"
*TheCase.com for Kids Mystery "Give Cheetos A Chance" Writing Contest Winner
*Proper snack foods for fiction-writing by the President of Novelists Inc.
Cheetoos® Punk
Cheetos® Asia
*"And local taste preferences dictated to Pepsico Inc. that it remove the cheese from its Cheetos in China: the snack-food equivalent of removing, say, the cola from Pepsi-Cola. So the Chinese were given a choice between cheeseless Cheetos with a teriyaki taste and Cheetos with a buttered popcorn flavor. Upon arriving in China, Pepsico's Cheetos team happily discovered that the Chinese characters 'qi duo' (pronounced CHEE dwaugh) meant 'new
surprise,' instead of some phrase 'that might offend people,' a Pepsico spokesman said." ~~Glenn Collins
*Korean Snack Foods This poor guy. Prawn peanut balls? Ack! Click on The Brunching Shuttlecocks link for more strangeness.
Cheetos® Latinos
*Daniel Massias Animation....in Portuguese.
*Frito-Lay® Press Release: "The Latin American salty snack market generates over $3B in annual sales (compared to the U.S. salty snack market's $16.4B in annual sales in 1997), although strong macro-snacking habits create a $13B overall snack category. Frito-Lay and Polar see significant opportunity to substantially increase salty snack consumption levels across the region and dramatically expand the category's share of total snacking."
*I'm not sure, but I think I've uncovered a Cheetos® horoscope, in Portuguese, at Clube Cheeto in Brazil. And I think the club - or the page - was built by Elma Chips.
*Kid Roga, Brazil. "Estatus Conjugal [Marital Status]: Solteiro [single], abandonado [abandoned], no queijo [umm], rei da cheetolândia [king of cheetoland], mosca rosa [red fly] da padaria (não vê uma boca a milhões de anos)." That's all I got.
Cheetos® Down Under
*"Showbags" snack price list for Royal Agriculture Society of Victoria. Melbourne.
Cheetos® In Space
*Artist under the influence.
Cheetos® RECIPES!
FINALLY!
I collected over 25 links for this article, before finding one recipe!
*Gook Book 2: Utterly Outrageous Recipes"Chip Freak:
Every day my friend put her bag of chips (potato, Doritos, Fridos, Cheetos, any kind!) on her (tuna, PB&J, ham, cheese, or whatever!) sandwich. It grosses us all out, but she says it's really good. I like to drink milk, water, vanilla, salt, and molasses all blended together. I also like anything with corn meal and molasses both in it. I also like a lot of other foods people think are sick." - Sarah
*Spider Sandwiches: Take bread and put peanut butter on each slice and cut into a circle. On top place two raisins for eyes and if you want a nose you can use a raisin for that also. Licorice for whiskers (black or chocolate) for legs use cheetos for the 8 legs and there you go a nice treat before trick or treat. Preparation time: 0:00"
*""CHEETO-CRUSTED CHICKEN Makes 2 to 3 servings. Serve with a light cheese sauce or salsa. [Ingredients:] 1 pound freshly ground chicken breast, 3 tablespoons finely chopped onion, 2 tablespoons diced canned jalapeno chilies, 1/2 teaspoon chili powder, 1 teaspoon ground cumin, 3 tablespoon bread crumbs, Chicken broth or water to moisten, 1 cup crushed Cheetos.....
Y'know, after all this, I may never eat Cheetos® again....
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